She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
