Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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