She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
