Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
