What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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