when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
