So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
