You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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