who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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