This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
