Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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