nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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