I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
