I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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