Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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