...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You left your underwear on the fireplace
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
