Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
