woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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