Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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