so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You are the jesus of drinking
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
