I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
