In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
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Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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