brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
