1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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