I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
