Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
