what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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