So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
