The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
