the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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