Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
