my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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