im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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