Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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