Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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