i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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