I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
