Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
