and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
