Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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