Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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