I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
