you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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