all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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