Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
