i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
