im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
