My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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