We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
