Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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