Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
birth control should be required to get into college
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
