My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
