Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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