i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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