I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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