My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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