its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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