k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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